I don't know what's wrong with me ... I have this feeling of impending doom and I don't really want to deal with it. I have to pack and move again ... this time my hands hurt and I weigh about 30lbs more than I did last time. I can't get over that I've gained that much weight - sickening. I can't get over that I can't get motivated to get my BFA on the treadmill either. I used to do it no matter what. Doesn't seem like anything good is happening in my life and if it is then for some weird reason I can't see it. I hate that ... when all the things going on around me are so much worse and here I sit feeling sorry for my stupid self. Pretty shitty. I'd want to kick my own ass if I weren't me ... but it's hard not to feel this way. I guess I'm having a private pity party.
So I made a pic featuring JB and thought I would use it as my profile pic but decided not to at the last minute. I'll post it here and you can see it.
Hope that works. You know more and more I feel like "going away." I don't do it because I'm a coward and I keep reminding myself about Duncan and how he would deal with it. I fear it would be like some weird surreal Romeo and Julietish situation and I couldn't bear the thought that he would hurt himself because of me or something I did. And what if I didn't succeed but he did? No! I can't think about that. So I'm stuck here ... in a living, breathing hell. I've lost everything that meant something to me ... my first and probably only house, three cars, my job, my self-esteem, all my friends ... oh! And I've lost Emma too - she's living with her other grandma and I only get to see her on weekends. Oh what joy ....
I really hate life sometimes ....
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