So the date is January 16, 2014 and it's quite possible if you are reading this I'm no longer here.  I'm not sick, don't have a terminal illness or anything but I think it's time I plan to check out.  My mother died when I was 25 and she was 53 .... she died suddenly of an infection that she couldn't fight due to cancer taking her spleen - it was sudden and I was somewhat surprised but not really.  She suffered a lot and lived with my grandma and my grandma was having a hard time taking care of her.  I struggled between taking care of the kids and helping my grandma take care of my mom and also taking care of my grandma .... it was odd losing my mother at such a young age but I survived as evidenced by this blog.  I don't have a real exciting life but I have a middle child who has always been somewhat of a thorn in my side and a younger child who is the world to me.  He's my little clone so not sure what will come of him when I am gone but I can't worry about that now - I just don't want to live anymore.  I grew up in what was once a nice neighborhood and then sometime during the sixties and early seventies the neighborhood changed - color - and all the white people ran away but we couldn't.  My mom and dad didn't have a great relationship and my father drank .... because my mother was promiscuous and slept around while he was at work.  Remember this was the sixties when kids could be sleeping in bed and mothers could leave the house and go to bars and go whoring. - now I wasn't an actual witness to the whoring but I do remember things like my mother sleeping in a separate bedroom than my father and putting cardboard in her windows so she could sleep until noon everyday - she didn't even get up with us kids to get ready for school - my father worked nights and sometimes would be home in the morning to make us breakfast or we would make it ourselves.  I always wondered why she wouldn't get up ... if we were sick we would wake her and tell her we were sick and staying home from school then she would get up at the crack of noon, get pissed off and make us walk to school.  I hated her for that.  Then as I got older and discovered that my mom and dad were divorcing I wanted desperately to live with my dad but he moved to fucking Wisconsin and I wasn't ready for that - he was having an affair with the lady who lived next door and left my mother for her.  My mother reacted to this by going into a sort of emotional coma for about 3 months.  I remember telling my grandmother I wanted to move in with my dad and she shunned me - that really hurt me because I loved my grandmother so much.  So I cried for a long time about it and then over the summer after I'd graduated 8th grade I went to my cousin Sharon's house to babysit her kids while she and her husband worked (and to get me out of the house I'm guessing because she sympathized with me and my desire to live with my dad.  She had the same thing that happened to her when she was about my age only she DID live with her dad ... but he lived on a houseboat and it really wasn't good planning on her part so she moved back with her mom and discovered that sometimes things seem better on the other side of the fence but really they aren't ... they are just the same shit in a different locale.  After my grandmother shunned me and I cried my eyes out for a while and after my time with my cousin I came back home and told my mom I would stay with her until the world ended and we had a new relationship after that.    She seemed like a cool mom but she was lazy in my opinion and made me do all the housework while she sat and watched TV all day.  My brother lived with us too and he was a real asshole to me because he was mom's favorite and forced me to take him with me whenever I went anywhere with my friends.  He was an embarrassment not to mention why couldn't he find his own fucking friends?!!  I was a teenager and didn't need him following me around.  We were poor because my father was fired from his job as diesel truck mechanic at TMX or Transport Motor Express due to his drinking and the drama that went on with my mother during the divorce.  Then we lost the house in foreclosure and had to move.  So we moved to Oak Park where I obviously didn't fit in but tried anyway.  I was so shitty in school.  I just hated it - all I thought about constantly was getting away from my mother and brother .... so when I met Paul I found my getaway.  I liked Paul; he was a great guy - not exactly my dream man but he was loyal and liked me so I dated him a bit.  Then when he wanted to get engaged I was hesitant and talked to my mom about it.  She said sometimes love grows on you and that Paul was a nice guy and I would grow to love him.  He really was a nice guy but had a pot problem and I didn't really want to get involved in that again but whatever helped me get through my day I was willing to try .....  We married and lived first in Oak Park, then east Oak Park, then Hinsdale then Willowbrook and then LaGrange .... that's where I decided I needed to be away from Paul and start my own life fresh.  I was so co-dependent that it was for another man I left Paul and that man was a psychopath and really screwed me up.  I came really, really close to killing myself one weekend when the kids weren't there  -- but they came home and I didn't finish.  Once again co-dependent me found another guy who seemed to be a great guy; he had a house, he had a business, he was a fireman and he seemed to really like me - wasn't long before we moved in with him and then got married and moved to Channahon into a nice house in a nice neighborhood ... but that was when a lot of the troubles with the kids began.  They like to tell me now that Darrin beat them but Caryn says she doesn't remember and Mike embellishes so I don't really know the truth -- and Darrin just flat out denies it.  I had to work; there was no way around that but after several years of being with Darrin and suffering through Mike's mental breakdown I decided I'd had enough.  I told Mike he had to go live with his father after he punched holes in the walls of our new house and carved shit like swastikas in his closet and onto his skin .  I was pregnant then and had so much stress dealing with Mike and also Darrin not to mention being tired and hormonal.and working a lot of hours.   I thought that marrying Darrin would provide the kids with a stable environment, a new house, new schools, new opportunities in life but now I'm being told that I was just chasing after anything with a cock so I guess that's shitty mother maneuver #1.  I am selfish, self-absorbed because I wanted to be with a man who could provide for the family, take them on trips and buy cars that didn't break down often.  I'm a whore and a horrible mother and I've scarred my children for life so that makes me a cunt in Mike's book and worthless in mine.  There's no real reason for me to stay living now - sure there is my golden boy to think of and my granddaughters but I think once the dust of my passing settles they will be fine.  Duncan unfortunately will have to go live with his dad which he hates but maybe it's for the best.  I don't seem to be encouraging him to do anything but sit on his computer, play with friends and swear up a storm.  Emma on the other hand has another wonderful granny who loves her a lot and will help Caryn take care of her.  So all tears aside I think I will make a conscious effort to finish myself and make good on the promise I made to Mike tonight that I would not move from this house unless I was in a body bag.  Going to be a weenie and take a bottle full of pills so I can't just go to sleep and stop breathing peacefully.  

After that I just want to tell Duncan how sorry I am that I left him at the mercy of his dad.  Sweetie you only have a few more years before you can get the hell out and never look back.  Perhaps Mike will let you live with him at HIS house .... as long as you don't have filthy animals to mess things up for him because you know how he doesn't make messes ....  I don't think I could love you more if I tried and I hope you will always remember that.  Me dying had nothing to do with you - it had everything to do with the fact that Mike has beat me down so low that I don't believe I want to live anymore.  I was a terrible mother, white trash because I didn't pay him more for rent and whatnot, and a cunt - his words not mine.  I don't want you to ever stop seeing him unless you want to - he loves you; its just me he hates.  

Now I'd like to say something to Emma.  I love you the universe I said it first.  And Emma I will always love you the universe - even when I'm not here anymore please don't forget how much I love you and love when you used to hum me to sleep.  It was the one bright spot in an otherwise dismal day.   You are a strong girl; don't let Mike calling you names and shaming you in front of Allie change who you are; you are a strong, big girl who can stand up for herself and not be bullied by her uncle.  I will pray that your mother finds a job where she can spend quality time with you because I know you are worth it.  Don't ever forget me little girl.

Allie; I'm so sorry that I don't get to watch you grow up but you are such a smart little girl that I expect you will make something out of yourself - maybe earn yourself a nobel prize.  Chin up sweetie.  Grandma loves you very much.  You are a beautiful girl inside and out.

I don't know if there's anything else to say - I'm getting tired so I think I'll go to bed now and pray I don't wake up.

Someone please protect my cats.  I love them like they are my own children and I can't stand the thought that Mike would have them killed.

Goodnight forever..  

LQQK! It's only been .....

A week or so since I last posted!  Allie has been sick since Monday and now Emma is sick.  I thought I was going to get it but I think I may have been strong enough to resist.  Work is so frustrating lately ... not quite sure what it is but I am really feeling the pressure.  Dr. Protaziuk swears I'm going to get a pay raise but Pat is fighting it.  She refuses to pay me to bill for the walk-in-clinic which is annoying because everyone else who works it gets paid for it.  She even said on the phone today that I had to make sure ALL the walk-in-clinic posting gets done before the end of our fiscal year which is June 30th.  I swear I should come in on a Sunday night, punch in, then finish the billing by getting paid for it.  She would squawk like a tortured bird if I did that yet it's okay for the CMAs to get 8 hours of OT to be there.  THEN ... get this ... Dr. P found out that the MAs on the weekend are not copying the visit notes for OUR patients and leaving them where we could scan them into the patient's chart so she told Sharon that WE had to do it.  Huh?  How is that OUR job?  I don't even get paid to bill for the WIC and she wants us to go through the alphabet file and find OUR patients and copy the notes?  WTF?  Honestly I don't think so.  Those lazy MAs should do it on the weekends.  It's bad enough they don't add the insurances when they are supposed to or even add a PATIENT ... and they are GETTING PAID to do it.  I've about had it with this job .... hopefully when the economy starts improving I might be able to get a better one.  For now I won't rock the boat too much.  At least until it's sure I get this fucking house.  I'm still not dead sure I'm getting it, isn't that sad?  I haven't heard a word from the mortgage people -- they did say it would get quiet but I thought we would know something concrete by now.  It will be a very, very sad thing to watch that house go up and then see someone else moving into it.  

I don't really want to think about it ... I'll start to cry if I do and right at the moment I'm emotionally fragile.  Pathetic I know but it's the state I'm in.  

I think I'm just going to go to bed.

G'night.

Another month has gone by ....

Well another month has gone by and there has been very little drama which makes my heart feel lighter! How sad is that? Well nevermind .... I made an attempt to buy my own house and had it not been for me co-signing on Caryn's new car I would have been successful. I am in awe at the fact that my credit score has crawled OUT of the gutter and into an acceptable range! I had to re-sign the contracts and re-apply for the loan with Mike on it as a co-signer ... okay fine if it makes it so we have a house and don't have to move again that rawks but .. I don't like giving him so much power because he can be a bear with it; don't forget constantly reminding me "it's my house too" blah blah blah .... in the end it won't matter; we won't have to move again, baby boy can continue going to Minooka school and everyone will be happy .... ??? Won't they?

My relationship with Kyler is about the same. He comes over and hangs with me a little then we fuck. Sounds about right. He came over Memorial Day and we watched True Grit together. I like just being around him, sometimes we hold hands, sometimes we cuddle ... either way I need it - maybe he does too but it feels right. Don't know if he'll ever come back but only time will tell.

So I'm about to get my ass chewed out today at work; my boss is coming for an office meeting but we had an issue with a patient last week and I forgot to put a message into the computer so the nurse could call said patient and the whole thing escalated. I'm dreading today.

I'm so tired; can I go back to bed?

I don't get it ...

Why do I blog great guns sometimes and then other times I just don't feel like sitting here and writing about things?  I didn't really feel like it now but I forced myself.  

So here's what's happening in my world as of now.

1.  Char doesn't want to be with Mike anymore.  Mike has taken this new surprisingly well ... I thought for sure he was going to go off the deep end but he seems astonishingly calm about it which is setting off bells in my head.  For now I'm just going to roll with it because there really is nothing else I can do at this point.

2.  Caryn has moved back so I get to see Emma a lot more than I used to.  She's also renting her own apartment in a month and so there goes Emma again and I won't even be able to keep an eye on her to see how she's being treated or if she's even being watched.  Before when she was staying at her MIL's apartment and her "father" was "watching" her he was sleeping the whole time and she was doing what she wanted to do ... including watching porn cartoons on Netflix.  Yeah it pissed me off - see a previous blog post.  

3.  Caryn is purchasing her first car tomorrow and I'm so effing proud of her I could burst!  I'm hoping I won't have to co-sign but if I do then so be it.  Hopefully it won't effect whether or not I can buy my second house in about 6 months.

4.  I'm about 6 months from being able to buy my second home ... I'm cleaning up my credit and paying things off ... like high interest credit cards so that I can save and buy a house.  I'd like to buy a house I'm renting so that I don't have to ever, ever, ever move again.  Do you know how sick of moving I am?  I'd like to take all my shit out of boxes and LEAVE IT THERE.  Damn.  That reminds me, I'm going to have to start packing soon.  Damn again.

5.  Work is okay.  I'd like to start taking a few days off here and there and then take a whole week off when I know when we are moving.  

Why do I write this when no one reads it?

Oh, and Kyler and I have been getting along fairly well lately.  I don't know how I feel about that.  I'd like to think that perhaps we have a chance at a future but then he tells me yesterday that we don't.  He says it's because of Mike living with me but honestly I don't know.  I think he's satisfied for now because his girlfriend dumped him last month and I'm letting him have sex with me when he wants it ... but as soon as someone else comes along I'll be shit to him again.  We'll see.  It's been nice feeling wanted ... even if it's only for sex.

Friday, bloody Friday

I really am glad it's Friday but I'm feeling very restless inside my skin.  I don't feel very loved or wanted.  Duncan's not even here to calm my frazzled nerves.  I've had kind of a shit week - best day was Tuesday when baby boy and I went to dinner and then to watch the JB movie again.  Yeah, so I'm a JB fan - time for everyone to get over it and move on with their lives.  People act like it's Herpes or something and it's getting irritating.  Yeah I'm a fan so get the fuck over it ... no he's not a jerk, he's not an idiot, he's not a prick and yes he CAN sing ... 

I don't know what's wrong with me ... I have this feeling of impending doom and I don't really want to deal with it.  I have to pack and move again ... this time my hands hurt and I weigh about 30lbs more than I did last time.  I can't get over that I've gained that much weight - sickening.  I can't get over that I can't get motivated to get my BFA on the treadmill either.  I used to do it no matter what.  Doesn't seem like anything good is happening in my life and if it is then for some weird reason I can't see it.  I hate that ... when all the things going on around me are so much worse and here I sit feeling sorry for my stupid self.  Pretty shitty.  I'd want to kick my own ass if I weren't me ... but it's hard not to feel this way.  I guess I'm having a private pity party.  

So I made a pic featuring JB and thought I would use it as my profile pic but decided not to at the last minute.  I'll post it here and you can see it.

Hope that works.  You know more and more I feel like "going away."  I don't do it because I'm a coward and I keep reminding myself about Duncan and how he would deal with it.  I fear it would be like some weird surreal Romeo and Julietish situation and I couldn't bear the thought that he would hurt himself because of me or something I did.  And what if I didn't succeed but he did?  No!  I can't think about that.  So I'm stuck here ... in a living, breathing hell.    I've lost everything that meant something to me ... my first and probably only house, three cars, my job, my self-esteem, all my friends ...  oh!  And I've lost Emma too - she's living with her other grandma and I only get to see her on weekends.  Oh what joy .... 

I really hate life sometimes ....

Sunday night ... already?

<sigh> I worked Saturday ... so half my day was gone afterward but I did go get my van from the dealer - they fixed the steering problem - and now I'm happy to have it back.  I love my van.  Didn't do much Saturday night but got to hang with Emma for a while and snuggle at bedtime which I loved.  Didn't get to see baby boy until today and then we went to see ... guess!  Yep!  Never Say Never again ... I love that movie.  I'll see it again too.  It's probably not coming out on DVD until summer so I'll have to make sure I see it again a few more times at the theatre before it's gone.  Cleaned the basement today ... oh what fun!  Sad that tomorrow is Monday already ... <sigh again>

So what do you do?

When you go to pick up the granddaughter you haven't seen in over a week and discover that her 17 year-old uncle is surprised that you came to the door because he didn't know you were coming even though your daughter called her lazy, good-for-fucking nothing husband and told him you were coming yet he just continues to sleep like a big fucking turd on the couch and look over at the t.v. and see that your granddaughter has been watching "Stripperella" on Netflix because the rotten fuck is sleeping and not watching her like he's supposed to?  What do you do when the 17 year old little asshole laughs when you point out that the 4 year old is watching that shit?  I told him it wasn't funny and that I was going to do something about it if I ever find out about it again.  I told my granddaughter she'd better NEVER watch that shit again.  And yes, I threatened her mother with calling the government if I find out it doesn't stop.  

How important is working 14 days in a row without a break sometimes 12 hours a day just to be able to buy your kid stuff when what she really needs is parental love and most of all SUPERVISION?  She claims she's "exhausted all avenues" as to what to do about the situation but she hasn't.  She doesn't want to explore any other avenues, she wants the easy way out ... she isn't THINKING.  And I'm tired of watching that little girl go through this shit because she's too stupid to do something about it.  Well I'm done.  You watch ... she'll either get her shit together or I will get it together for her.