Gahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Well what a fucking day this was ... let me start by saying that my antidepressants are just about out and I honestly can't see spending $60 for more.  Soooooooooo things are going to get a little rocky for me mentally and emotionally in the days ahead.  Went to a meeting this morning and had to hobnob with the bigwigs at my job ... gotta LOVE that right?  Then work, didn't seem like I got ANYTHING done which was frustrating.  Had to go directly to a wake afterward for my 2nd ex-husband's uncle who died Sunday.  Firstly I went because he was a great guy with an endless sense of humor.  His laugh will forever be embedded into my brain as something that could make even the grouchiest of people smile.  Secondly even if I didn't want to go (which I did) I had to go for baby boy because we had taught him to call Uncle Bob Grandpa - he really was the only grandfather Duncan has ever known ... so I went for him too.  But I was scared because I hadn't seen any of these people since Darrin and I divorced some 7 or 8 years ago and I hate to imagine what people think of me.  I wanted to show support for Aunt Joan and Darrin and to let them know that I thought highly of Uncle Bob.  Didn't expect to nearly have a nervous breakdown there and I'm positive I had a panic attack.  I could hardly breathe and my stomach hurt ... and then the tears started.  I felt like such an idiot; I could hardly speak.  Lucky for me Duncan sat by me and let me rub his head until he literally fell asleep on my lap.  Then I got to take him to Portillo's for something to eat.  After I got back home I really lost it.  Can't tell if it's the last of the meds draining from my system or if I was really that upset about it.  I'm going to bed now.  My eyes hurt.