Friday, bloody Friday

I really am glad it's Friday but I'm feeling very restless inside my skin.  I don't feel very loved or wanted.  Duncan's not even here to calm my frazzled nerves.  I've had kind of a shit week - best day was Tuesday when baby boy and I went to dinner and then to watch the JB movie again.  Yeah, so I'm a JB fan - time for everyone to get over it and move on with their lives.  People act like it's Herpes or something and it's getting irritating.  Yeah I'm a fan so get the fuck over it ... no he's not a jerk, he's not an idiot, he's not a prick and yes he CAN sing ... 

I don't know what's wrong with me ... I have this feeling of impending doom and I don't really want to deal with it.  I have to pack and move again ... this time my hands hurt and I weigh about 30lbs more than I did last time.  I can't get over that I've gained that much weight - sickening.  I can't get over that I can't get motivated to get my BFA on the treadmill either.  I used to do it no matter what.  Doesn't seem like anything good is happening in my life and if it is then for some weird reason I can't see it.  I hate that ... when all the things going on around me are so much worse and here I sit feeling sorry for my stupid self.  Pretty shitty.  I'd want to kick my own ass if I weren't me ... but it's hard not to feel this way.  I guess I'm having a private pity party.  

So I made a pic featuring JB and thought I would use it as my profile pic but decided not to at the last minute.  I'll post it here and you can see it.

Hope that works.  You know more and more I feel like "going away."  I don't do it because I'm a coward and I keep reminding myself about Duncan and how he would deal with it.  I fear it would be like some weird surreal Romeo and Julietish situation and I couldn't bear the thought that he would hurt himself because of me or something I did.  And what if I didn't succeed but he did?  No!  I can't think about that.  So I'm stuck here ... in a living, breathing hell.    I've lost everything that meant something to me ... my first and probably only house, three cars, my job, my self-esteem, all my friends ...  oh!  And I've lost Emma too - she's living with her other grandma and I only get to see her on weekends.  Oh what joy .... 

I really hate life sometimes ....

Sunday night ... already?

<sigh> I worked Saturday ... so half my day was gone afterward but I did go get my van from the dealer - they fixed the steering problem - and now I'm happy to have it back.  I love my van.  Didn't do much Saturday night but got to hang with Emma for a while and snuggle at bedtime which I loved.  Didn't get to see baby boy until today and then we went to see ... guess!  Yep!  Never Say Never again ... I love that movie.  I'll see it again too.  It's probably not coming out on DVD until summer so I'll have to make sure I see it again a few more times at the theatre before it's gone.  Cleaned the basement today ... oh what fun!  Sad that tomorrow is Monday already ... <sigh again>

So what do you do?

When you go to pick up the granddaughter you haven't seen in over a week and discover that her 17 year-old uncle is surprised that you came to the door because he didn't know you were coming even though your daughter called her lazy, good-for-fucking nothing husband and told him you were coming yet he just continues to sleep like a big fucking turd on the couch and look over at the t.v. and see that your granddaughter has been watching "Stripperella" on Netflix because the rotten fuck is sleeping and not watching her like he's supposed to?  What do you do when the 17 year old little asshole laughs when you point out that the 4 year old is watching that shit?  I told him it wasn't funny and that I was going to do something about it if I ever find out about it again.  I told my granddaughter she'd better NEVER watch that shit again.  And yes, I threatened her mother with calling the government if I find out it doesn't stop.  

How important is working 14 days in a row without a break sometimes 12 hours a day just to be able to buy your kid stuff when what she really needs is parental love and most of all SUPERVISION?  She claims she's "exhausted all avenues" as to what to do about the situation but she hasn't.  She doesn't want to explore any other avenues, she wants the easy way out ... she isn't THINKING.  And I'm tired of watching that little girl go through this shit because she's too stupid to do something about it.  Well I'm done.  You watch ... she'll either get her shit together or I will get it together for her.

Gahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Well what a fucking day this was ... let me start by saying that my antidepressants are just about out and I honestly can't see spending $60 for more.  Soooooooooo things are going to get a little rocky for me mentally and emotionally in the days ahead.  Went to a meeting this morning and had to hobnob with the bigwigs at my job ... gotta LOVE that right?  Then work, didn't seem like I got ANYTHING done which was frustrating.  Had to go directly to a wake afterward for my 2nd ex-husband's uncle who died Sunday.  Firstly I went because he was a great guy with an endless sense of humor.  His laugh will forever be embedded into my brain as something that could make even the grouchiest of people smile.  Secondly even if I didn't want to go (which I did) I had to go for baby boy because we had taught him to call Uncle Bob Grandpa - he really was the only grandfather Duncan has ever known ... so I went for him too.  But I was scared because I hadn't seen any of these people since Darrin and I divorced some 7 or 8 years ago and I hate to imagine what people think of me.  I wanted to show support for Aunt Joan and Darrin and to let them know that I thought highly of Uncle Bob.  Didn't expect to nearly have a nervous breakdown there and I'm positive I had a panic attack.  I could hardly breathe and my stomach hurt ... and then the tears started.  I felt like such an idiot; I could hardly speak.  Lucky for me Duncan sat by me and let me rub his head until he literally fell asleep on my lap.  Then I got to take him to Portillo's for something to eat.  After I got back home I really lost it.  Can't tell if it's the last of the meds draining from my system or if I was really that upset about it.  I'm going to bed now.  My eyes hurt.

Hump Day

So it's hump day ... I had a great evening last night with baby boy ... picked him up from school then went right to Chili's and had dinner with him; we talked.  He's a great kid and I'm blessed to have such a wonderful child not only in my life but who belongs to me.  (How funny - one of our "older" cats, Kitty Boy [I didn't name him, Emma did] is walking around meowing trying to find the kitten to play with but I think the kitten is either under the covers with Duncan or has gone in search of Kitty Boy! But they have a different meow when they are looking for each other rather than when they are just calling out for you -- but I digress ....)  (okay now kitten is hiding under the covers and playing with Kitty Boy - so cute!)  After Chilis we went to Wal Mart and whiled away the time until the movie (yes BIEBER again!) then we went to see Never Say Never for the 6th time.  Duncan says it's 7 but I don't think it is.  All I know is that this theatre we went to was a total fucking up the ass - $9 per person (adult OR child) ... then it was $1 popcorn night and you get like 5 kernels of popcorn and a shotglass of soda for $1 otherwise it was $8 for popcorn!  Fuck me running!  I'm going to complain on the Carmike website today then never go back there again.  Jesus H. Christ on a cracker.  What a crock of shit.  Still by the time I climbed into bed I was pleased I'd spent a great day with my youngest child.

I have some sort of "important" meeting today before work then a wake after work.  Ought to be a fanfuckingtastic day.  Wish me luck.

I hate to offend but Monday ... I hate you!

Mondays are long days at work and usually very stressful.  We have a new girl who started and she's pretty fucking good.  She's got a great sense of humor too and between Liz, Sharon, and I we get the job done!  I actually got to post one of the days of the walk-in-clinic's charges today but not unscathed, I entered two co-payments twice which fucked up my batch but I had Pat (my boss) delete them and all is well in medicineland.  I decided that baby boy and I would go out to dinner tomorrow to Chili's because for some weird reason (and I'm not here to ask why - just here to take advantage) kids eat free tomorrow.  Maybe we'll go see the Biebs again if Duncan is up for it.  We gave the cutest little kitten whose name is Gizmo.  I don't particularly fancy that name so I call him kitten.  The joint in my thumb has been really, really swollen lately and Dr. P told me today I should go and have a steroid injection to numb the pain and take down the swelling.  Gahhhhhhhhhh!  Not sure I want to do that ... I'll have to think about it.  

Until tomorrow ... adios!

Happiness is relevant ....

So I saw Never Say Never again and loved it like it was the first time I saw it.  Yes probably if it were possible for someone to love a person who who could be their grandson I would be in love but not that way ... he's just a special boy and I appreciate that so knock it off.  Anyway I think Char liked it but she denies loving it so whatever.  I got my way and she went to see it ... I will own a copy you know that, right?

Before the movie even started Char was telling me that Mike was texting her telling her that Caryn (my middle child) was asking if Char and Mike could watch Emma all week so Emma's sperm donor could find a second job; oh he's concerned they won't have enough money to share an apartment - boo hoo.  So once I've gotten over the basic fact that he wants to get a second job when Char can't even seem to get hired for a FIRST one I have to try to get the point across to Caryn and dumbass that if he is PAYING someone over a hundred dollars a week to watch my granddaughter while the asstard works two jobs then there's no point in him working two fucking jobs.  How stupid can one human be?  He works nights right now so that he can watch Emma during the day while Caryn works and really does he actually WATCH her or does he sleep and let Emma do what she wants?  She watches x-rated shit on Netflix as it is including some stripper cartoon and strippers as zombies then comes here and takes all the clothes off her Barbies.  I'm really unhappy with this whole situation.  If I could quit my job and take her away from that dumb fucking asshole I would do it but I really need MY job and he really needs to grow the fuck up and try to be a pseudo-adult.  I guess men will be boys and assholes will always be what they are.  Have I mentioned I'd like to punch him in the head?  This is the same stupid jag that told me I was "irresponsible" for going to see Josh Groban in concert and that he was a "grown-up" and if he wanted "to snort cocaine" he was well within his rights to do so.  I'll let you draw your own conclusions to that one.

I have to go and do some laundry but that's what's on my mind right at the moment.  It kind of feels cathartic to post my thoughts here ... thanks for the opp.

What about love?

So here we are ... blogging again ... and this time I'm not here just to bitch about Groban and how he has disappointed the FUCK out of me with his new crappy CD.  It's Sunday March the somethingth ... if I'm not at work I don't know what the fuck date it is.  Who cares.  Anyway ... I have to get some laundry done and I want to make an attempt to see Bieber's video biography for the 5th time today.  I keep going to see it because it's good and inspirational.  I used to not be able to even stand the sound of his name but since I've seen it I have decided that I absolutely love that little kid.  I've seen it twice with Duncan alone and the other times I dragged (kicking and screaming no less) others to it and they have liked him now as well.  My greatest challenge is getting my oldest son's girlfriend to go with me.  My granddaughter Allie has become a Bieber fan and now it's time to turn her mother.  She is fighting it though but I won't give up.  OMFG she just texted me that she will see it with me!  Do I rawk or do I rawk?  JB you'd better love me!  Muwahahahahahahaaaaaa!  So it's on for 3:30PM.

So my life ... it would be really obnoxious to say that it sucks and if I could stand back and look at it from some omnipresent point of view I would have to say that I am truly blessed.  I live with my family which is nice because some people don't have their family close to them like my son's girlfriend (her name is Char) ... so I can truly say that I'm lucky to be able to see my children and my granddaughters on a daily basis.  Sure they make me mad, sure they do things I dislike, sure I don't have "me" time but I have "them" time and I treasure each and every moment.  Someday I'll be in some old folk's home and they will visit "when they can" which won't be but maybe every two weeks and I will regret not having appreciated the time I have with them today so I'm not going to make a face and say that I live with my children and I hate it because I don't.  We have fun, we watch movies, we cook, we clean ... and we do it together.  I have already realized that when it's time to split I will miss each one of them and their retarded quirks.  Even my oldest son who is an angry motherfucker and has cut me to pieces in the past with his words ... yes I love him unconditionally and always will.  He's got a lot going on in his head and we will never, ever know what it is so patience and a little bit of "quarter" is due.  He's smart and pretty fair so I think he deserves some credit.

When I am done with the movie I will write some more about my weird family.

Word.