So the date is January 16, 2014 and it's quite possible if you are reading this I'm no longer here.  I'm not sick, don't have a terminal illness or anything but I think it's time I plan to check out.  My mother died when I was 25 and she was 53 .... she died suddenly of an infection that she couldn't fight due to cancer taking her spleen - it was sudden and I was somewhat surprised but not really.  She suffered a lot and lived with my grandma and my grandma was having a hard time taking care of her.  I struggled between taking care of the kids and helping my grandma take care of my mom and also taking care of my grandma .... it was odd losing my mother at such a young age but I survived as evidenced by this blog.  I don't have a real exciting life but I have a middle child who has always been somewhat of a thorn in my side and a younger child who is the world to me.  He's my little clone so not sure what will come of him when I am gone but I can't worry about that now - I just don't want to live anymore.  I grew up in what was once a nice neighborhood and then sometime during the sixties and early seventies the neighborhood changed - color - and all the white people ran away but we couldn't.  My mom and dad didn't have a great relationship and my father drank .... because my mother was promiscuous and slept around while he was at work.  Remember this was the sixties when kids could be sleeping in bed and mothers could leave the house and go to bars and go whoring. - now I wasn't an actual witness to the whoring but I do remember things like my mother sleeping in a separate bedroom than my father and putting cardboard in her windows so she could sleep until noon everyday - she didn't even get up with us kids to get ready for school - my father worked nights and sometimes would be home in the morning to make us breakfast or we would make it ourselves.  I always wondered why she wouldn't get up ... if we were sick we would wake her and tell her we were sick and staying home from school then she would get up at the crack of noon, get pissed off and make us walk to school.  I hated her for that.  Then as I got older and discovered that my mom and dad were divorcing I wanted desperately to live with my dad but he moved to fucking Wisconsin and I wasn't ready for that - he was having an affair with the lady who lived next door and left my mother for her.  My mother reacted to this by going into a sort of emotional coma for about 3 months.  I remember telling my grandmother I wanted to move in with my dad and she shunned me - that really hurt me because I loved my grandmother so much.  So I cried for a long time about it and then over the summer after I'd graduated 8th grade I went to my cousin Sharon's house to babysit her kids while she and her husband worked (and to get me out of the house I'm guessing because she sympathized with me and my desire to live with my dad.  She had the same thing that happened to her when she was about my age only she DID live with her dad ... but he lived on a houseboat and it really wasn't good planning on her part so she moved back with her mom and discovered that sometimes things seem better on the other side of the fence but really they aren't ... they are just the same shit in a different locale.  After my grandmother shunned me and I cried my eyes out for a while and after my time with my cousin I came back home and told my mom I would stay with her until the world ended and we had a new relationship after that.    She seemed like a cool mom but she was lazy in my opinion and made me do all the housework while she sat and watched TV all day.  My brother lived with us too and he was a real asshole to me because he was mom's favorite and forced me to take him with me whenever I went anywhere with my friends.  He was an embarrassment not to mention why couldn't he find his own fucking friends?!!  I was a teenager and didn't need him following me around.  We were poor because my father was fired from his job as diesel truck mechanic at TMX or Transport Motor Express due to his drinking and the drama that went on with my mother during the divorce.  Then we lost the house in foreclosure and had to move.  So we moved to Oak Park where I obviously didn't fit in but tried anyway.  I was so shitty in school.  I just hated it - all I thought about constantly was getting away from my mother and brother .... so when I met Paul I found my getaway.  I liked Paul; he was a great guy - not exactly my dream man but he was loyal and liked me so I dated him a bit.  Then when he wanted to get engaged I was hesitant and talked to my mom about it.  She said sometimes love grows on you and that Paul was a nice guy and I would grow to love him.  He really was a nice guy but had a pot problem and I didn't really want to get involved in that again but whatever helped me get through my day I was willing to try .....  We married and lived first in Oak Park, then east Oak Park, then Hinsdale then Willowbrook and then LaGrange .... that's where I decided I needed to be away from Paul and start my own life fresh.  I was so co-dependent that it was for another man I left Paul and that man was a psychopath and really screwed me up.  I came really, really close to killing myself one weekend when the kids weren't there  -- but they came home and I didn't finish.  Once again co-dependent me found another guy who seemed to be a great guy; he had a house, he had a business, he was a fireman and he seemed to really like me - wasn't long before we moved in with him and then got married and moved to Channahon into a nice house in a nice neighborhood ... but that was when a lot of the troubles with the kids began.  They like to tell me now that Darrin beat them but Caryn says she doesn't remember and Mike embellishes so I don't really know the truth -- and Darrin just flat out denies it.  I had to work; there was no way around that but after several years of being with Darrin and suffering through Mike's mental breakdown I decided I'd had enough.  I told Mike he had to go live with his father after he punched holes in the walls of our new house and carved shit like swastikas in his closet and onto his skin .  I was pregnant then and had so much stress dealing with Mike and also Darrin not to mention being tired and hormonal.and working a lot of hours.   I thought that marrying Darrin would provide the kids with a stable environment, a new house, new schools, new opportunities in life but now I'm being told that I was just chasing after anything with a cock so I guess that's shitty mother maneuver #1.  I am selfish, self-absorbed because I wanted to be with a man who could provide for the family, take them on trips and buy cars that didn't break down often.  I'm a whore and a horrible mother and I've scarred my children for life so that makes me a cunt in Mike's book and worthless in mine.  There's no real reason for me to stay living now - sure there is my golden boy to think of and my granddaughters but I think once the dust of my passing settles they will be fine.  Duncan unfortunately will have to go live with his dad which he hates but maybe it's for the best.  I don't seem to be encouraging him to do anything but sit on his computer, play with friends and swear up a storm.  Emma on the other hand has another wonderful granny who loves her a lot and will help Caryn take care of her.  So all tears aside I think I will make a conscious effort to finish myself and make good on the promise I made to Mike tonight that I would not move from this house unless I was in a body bag.  Going to be a weenie and take a bottle full of pills so I can't just go to sleep and stop breathing peacefully.  

After that I just want to tell Duncan how sorry I am that I left him at the mercy of his dad.  Sweetie you only have a few more years before you can get the hell out and never look back.  Perhaps Mike will let you live with him at HIS house .... as long as you don't have filthy animals to mess things up for him because you know how he doesn't make messes ....  I don't think I could love you more if I tried and I hope you will always remember that.  Me dying had nothing to do with you - it had everything to do with the fact that Mike has beat me down so low that I don't believe I want to live anymore.  I was a terrible mother, white trash because I didn't pay him more for rent and whatnot, and a cunt - his words not mine.  I don't want you to ever stop seeing him unless you want to - he loves you; its just me he hates.  

Now I'd like to say something to Emma.  I love you the universe I said it first.  And Emma I will always love you the universe - even when I'm not here anymore please don't forget how much I love you and love when you used to hum me to sleep.  It was the one bright spot in an otherwise dismal day.   You are a strong girl; don't let Mike calling you names and shaming you in front of Allie change who you are; you are a strong, big girl who can stand up for herself and not be bullied by her uncle.  I will pray that your mother finds a job where she can spend quality time with you because I know you are worth it.  Don't ever forget me little girl.

Allie; I'm so sorry that I don't get to watch you grow up but you are such a smart little girl that I expect you will make something out of yourself - maybe earn yourself a nobel prize.  Chin up sweetie.  Grandma loves you very much.  You are a beautiful girl inside and out.

I don't know if there's anything else to say - I'm getting tired so I think I'll go to bed now and pray I don't wake up.

Someone please protect my cats.  I love them like they are my own children and I can't stand the thought that Mike would have them killed.

Goodnight forever..