I don't get it ...

Why do I blog great guns sometimes and then other times I just don't feel like sitting here and writing about things?  I didn't really feel like it now but I forced myself.  

So here's what's happening in my world as of now.

1.  Char doesn't want to be with Mike anymore.  Mike has taken this new surprisingly well ... I thought for sure he was going to go off the deep end but he seems astonishingly calm about it which is setting off bells in my head.  For now I'm just going to roll with it because there really is nothing else I can do at this point.

2.  Caryn has moved back so I get to see Emma a lot more than I used to.  She's also renting her own apartment in a month and so there goes Emma again and I won't even be able to keep an eye on her to see how she's being treated or if she's even being watched.  Before when she was staying at her MIL's apartment and her "father" was "watching" her he was sleeping the whole time and she was doing what she wanted to do ... including watching porn cartoons on Netflix.  Yeah it pissed me off - see a previous blog post.  

3.  Caryn is purchasing her first car tomorrow and I'm so effing proud of her I could burst!  I'm hoping I won't have to co-sign but if I do then so be it.  Hopefully it won't effect whether or not I can buy my second house in about 6 months.

4.  I'm about 6 months from being able to buy my second home ... I'm cleaning up my credit and paying things off ... like high interest credit cards so that I can save and buy a house.  I'd like to buy a house I'm renting so that I don't have to ever, ever, ever move again.  Do you know how sick of moving I am?  I'd like to take all my shit out of boxes and LEAVE IT THERE.  Damn.  That reminds me, I'm going to have to start packing soon.  Damn again.

5.  Work is okay.  I'd like to start taking a few days off here and there and then take a whole week off when I know when we are moving.  

Why do I write this when no one reads it?

Oh, and Kyler and I have been getting along fairly well lately.  I don't know how I feel about that.  I'd like to think that perhaps we have a chance at a future but then he tells me yesterday that we don't.  He says it's because of Mike living with me but honestly I don't know.  I think he's satisfied for now because his girlfriend dumped him last month and I'm letting him have sex with me when he wants it ... but as soon as someone else comes along I'll be shit to him again.  We'll see.  It's been nice feeling wanted ... even if it's only for sex.

Friday, bloody Friday

I really am glad it's Friday but I'm feeling very restless inside my skin.  I don't feel very loved or wanted.  Duncan's not even here to calm my frazzled nerves.  I've had kind of a shit week - best day was Tuesday when baby boy and I went to dinner and then to watch the JB movie again.  Yeah, so I'm a JB fan - time for everyone to get over it and move on with their lives.  People act like it's Herpes or something and it's getting irritating.  Yeah I'm a fan so get the fuck over it ... no he's not a jerk, he's not an idiot, he's not a prick and yes he CAN sing ... 

I don't know what's wrong with me ... I have this feeling of impending doom and I don't really want to deal with it.  I have to pack and move again ... this time my hands hurt and I weigh about 30lbs more than I did last time.  I can't get over that I've gained that much weight - sickening.  I can't get over that I can't get motivated to get my BFA on the treadmill either.  I used to do it no matter what.  Doesn't seem like anything good is happening in my life and if it is then for some weird reason I can't see it.  I hate that ... when all the things going on around me are so much worse and here I sit feeling sorry for my stupid self.  Pretty shitty.  I'd want to kick my own ass if I weren't me ... but it's hard not to feel this way.  I guess I'm having a private pity party.  

So I made a pic featuring JB and thought I would use it as my profile pic but decided not to at the last minute.  I'll post it here and you can see it.

Hope that works.  You know more and more I feel like "going away."  I don't do it because I'm a coward and I keep reminding myself about Duncan and how he would deal with it.  I fear it would be like some weird surreal Romeo and Julietish situation and I couldn't bear the thought that he would hurt himself because of me or something I did.  And what if I didn't succeed but he did?  No!  I can't think about that.  So I'm stuck here ... in a living, breathing hell.    I've lost everything that meant something to me ... my first and probably only house, three cars, my job, my self-esteem, all my friends ...  oh!  And I've lost Emma too - she's living with her other grandma and I only get to see her on weekends.  Oh what joy .... 

I really hate life sometimes ....

Sunday night ... already?

<sigh> I worked Saturday ... so half my day was gone afterward but I did go get my van from the dealer - they fixed the steering problem - and now I'm happy to have it back.  I love my van.  Didn't do much Saturday night but got to hang with Emma for a while and snuggle at bedtime which I loved.  Didn't get to see baby boy until today and then we went to see ... guess!  Yep!  Never Say Never again ... I love that movie.  I'll see it again too.  It's probably not coming out on DVD until summer so I'll have to make sure I see it again a few more times at the theatre before it's gone.  Cleaned the basement today ... oh what fun!  Sad that tomorrow is Monday already ... <sigh again>

So what do you do?

When you go to pick up the granddaughter you haven't seen in over a week and discover that her 17 year-old uncle is surprised that you came to the door because he didn't know you were coming even though your daughter called her lazy, good-for-fucking nothing husband and told him you were coming yet he just continues to sleep like a big fucking turd on the couch and look over at the t.v. and see that your granddaughter has been watching "Stripperella" on Netflix because the rotten fuck is sleeping and not watching her like he's supposed to?  What do you do when the 17 year old little asshole laughs when you point out that the 4 year old is watching that shit?  I told him it wasn't funny and that I was going to do something about it if I ever find out about it again.  I told my granddaughter she'd better NEVER watch that shit again.  And yes, I threatened her mother with calling the government if I find out it doesn't stop.  

How important is working 14 days in a row without a break sometimes 12 hours a day just to be able to buy your kid stuff when what she really needs is parental love and most of all SUPERVISION?  She claims she's "exhausted all avenues" as to what to do about the situation but she hasn't.  She doesn't want to explore any other avenues, she wants the easy way out ... she isn't THINKING.  And I'm tired of watching that little girl go through this shit because she's too stupid to do something about it.  Well I'm done.  You watch ... she'll either get her shit together or I will get it together for her.

Gahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Well what a fucking day this was ... let me start by saying that my antidepressants are just about out and I honestly can't see spending $60 for more.  Soooooooooo things are going to get a little rocky for me mentally and emotionally in the days ahead.  Went to a meeting this morning and had to hobnob with the bigwigs at my job ... gotta LOVE that right?  Then work, didn't seem like I got ANYTHING done which was frustrating.  Had to go directly to a wake afterward for my 2nd ex-husband's uncle who died Sunday.  Firstly I went because he was a great guy with an endless sense of humor.  His laugh will forever be embedded into my brain as something that could make even the grouchiest of people smile.  Secondly even if I didn't want to go (which I did) I had to go for baby boy because we had taught him to call Uncle Bob Grandpa - he really was the only grandfather Duncan has ever known ... so I went for him too.  But I was scared because I hadn't seen any of these people since Darrin and I divorced some 7 or 8 years ago and I hate to imagine what people think of me.  I wanted to show support for Aunt Joan and Darrin and to let them know that I thought highly of Uncle Bob.  Didn't expect to nearly have a nervous breakdown there and I'm positive I had a panic attack.  I could hardly breathe and my stomach hurt ... and then the tears started.  I felt like such an idiot; I could hardly speak.  Lucky for me Duncan sat by me and let me rub his head until he literally fell asleep on my lap.  Then I got to take him to Portillo's for something to eat.  After I got back home I really lost it.  Can't tell if it's the last of the meds draining from my system or if I was really that upset about it.  I'm going to bed now.  My eyes hurt.

Hump Day

So it's hump day ... I had a great evening last night with baby boy ... picked him up from school then went right to Chili's and had dinner with him; we talked.  He's a great kid and I'm blessed to have such a wonderful child not only in my life but who belongs to me.  (How funny - one of our "older" cats, Kitty Boy [I didn't name him, Emma did] is walking around meowing trying to find the kitten to play with but I think the kitten is either under the covers with Duncan or has gone in search of Kitty Boy! But they have a different meow when they are looking for each other rather than when they are just calling out for you -- but I digress ....)  (okay now kitten is hiding under the covers and playing with Kitty Boy - so cute!)  After Chilis we went to Wal Mart and whiled away the time until the movie (yes BIEBER again!) then we went to see Never Say Never for the 6th time.  Duncan says it's 7 but I don't think it is.  All I know is that this theatre we went to was a total fucking up the ass - $9 per person (adult OR child) ... then it was $1 popcorn night and you get like 5 kernels of popcorn and a shotglass of soda for $1 otherwise it was $8 for popcorn!  Fuck me running!  I'm going to complain on the Carmike website today then never go back there again.  Jesus H. Christ on a cracker.  What a crock of shit.  Still by the time I climbed into bed I was pleased I'd spent a great day with my youngest child.

I have some sort of "important" meeting today before work then a wake after work.  Ought to be a fanfuckingtastic day.  Wish me luck.

I hate to offend but Monday ... I hate you!

Mondays are long days at work and usually very stressful.  We have a new girl who started and she's pretty fucking good.  She's got a great sense of humor too and between Liz, Sharon, and I we get the job done!  I actually got to post one of the days of the walk-in-clinic's charges today but not unscathed, I entered two co-payments twice which fucked up my batch but I had Pat (my boss) delete them and all is well in medicineland.  I decided that baby boy and I would go out to dinner tomorrow to Chili's because for some weird reason (and I'm not here to ask why - just here to take advantage) kids eat free tomorrow.  Maybe we'll go see the Biebs again if Duncan is up for it.  We gave the cutest little kitten whose name is Gizmo.  I don't particularly fancy that name so I call him kitten.  The joint in my thumb has been really, really swollen lately and Dr. P told me today I should go and have a steroid injection to numb the pain and take down the swelling.  Gahhhhhhhhhh!  Not sure I want to do that ... I'll have to think about it.  

Until tomorrow ... adios!